Finally, I have found back my strength to continue writing again. A friend keep telling me not to write if I feel bad about it, but I believes that is always good to pour words out from our sore heart rather than keep everything in. By keeping it in our heart until one day, our heart sure will be over loaded. The best way to release us from the sorrow past, say it out is the only solution. Here is how the story goes…
Year 1997 - 1999
I managed to join in one of the biggest and famous Architecture + ID firm in Malaysia before I work with Dutch company (they are join venture companies). To work in such a big cooperate firm, u never got chance to do things as u wish. The design was always come out by those foreign designer, and I only got chance to design the general layout or if I am lucky enough, will be able to touch on the retail design. It is not an ideally job for me as I need to work very long hour (days & nights, and even work over the weekend). Because of that, I failed to go back hometown every fortnight as last time, but I will always call home. Yes, I called my mom and dad to talk about my recent developments. Father listen everything I say but unable to speak anymore after the incident. As time passed, I tend to work more but call/go home less.
Year 1998
I quit from the big cooperate firm and join the small foreign Dutch company. Life has change gradually as we are doing chain design for the only client of the company. I only required working overtime when rushing for tender for new project. Since then I have so much time to myself. My boyfriend’s job required him to fly very frequent so I have spent most of my time with colleagues. We went ‘yam char’ or shopping after work or over the weekend. However, I did not go back hometown often, I am too used to the KL life and am enjoying very much. I know my dad would want me to go back so much but me just being too selfish to ignore the message. Even when I back in hometown, I was too tired and no energy to do other things already. I do not have long chat with my dad, but I will non-stop chitchatting with sisters and left father sitting down stair alone. I seldom drive dad going places as I did before, even when he requested I will say tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow until I have left to KL for work. Dad used to have a lot of friends and business friend. However, after he has stroke his social life has walk to the end too. That is many times dad had hold my hand and look into my eyes silently (dad could not speak), from his eyes I can feel his sorrow and loneliness but I just could not help, I have my own live in KL and job there. I feel very bad when think back now… really…and I am very regret until I want to give a big slap to myself. How could I do this to him? That is always too late to realize something u has did very wrong…
Sept 1999
I tied the knot with my bf. We had registered but did not hold any ceremony. We have move to our small little cozy home in Pandan Indah. My fiancé always travel back and forth Malaysia and Jakarta during that time.
Jan 2000
That was few weeks before Chinese New Year, I receive a call from sister said father accidentally fall again. Father happens to fell down from the chair 2 times already, so once I heard it I never thought it is serious. However, her last word does make me nervous. She said she would observe father’s condition and informs me later whether we need to go home. My heart sank suddenly and my mind was totally blank. Luckily, fiancé was around that moment. I do quick packing and call my sister to ask for more detail. Finally my younger brother and me has decided to go back to see father. I jump into brother’s car and start to call again but this time sister said dad has already sent to hospital and she requested everybody to go home including my fiancé… We reach hospital in the midnight. Father’s condition was critical, he has second stroke. Doctor has told us before it is possible to have second stroke if any accident like fall down or BP too high. By then if the second time the stroke strike, most probably it will be the last time.
CNY finally around the corner, we do not have mood to celebrate it. Dad was still lying in the ICU and his condition was still critical. We had our reunion dinner without dad present. On the 3rd day of CNY, we decided to bring him home. What we can do now is to pray for dad and hope he will not suffer anymore. On the 5th day of CNY, we chanting Amitabha and witness our father departs to the other world. Buddhist always believes that we cannot cry when someone we loves are dying. If the relative of the dead person have crying badly then the spirit will not get to rest in peace, or the soul will never reach the pure land. On the last day of father’s funeral, I had broken down by crying badly when I heard they nailed up father’s casket. I tried my best to hold back my emotion but could not help once think about I would never able to see my father anymore. These bitterly feels are still haunting me until now. That is so many things and so many words I want to tell him but I have no chance to do it anymore. As I said, it is always too late to repent.
Anyhow, I guess father already forgave me as he does pay me visit once awhile in my dreams. Missed him very much and he will always live in my mind… forever.
Nov 2001
I got married. With the not-so-traditional ceremony held in three different places, my mother’s house and hubby’s grandma house and our little cozy home in Pandan Indah. All I can recall is only this great event happen on this year.
May 2002
I quit my job and follow hubby to work in Jakarta in a non-related field for almost 1 year. New experience in my life and makes new friends cum colleagues and have a very happy life again.
Mar until Dec 2003
I got pregnant and back to KL but never step back into working field. I have bad pregnancy experience like whole nine months of heart-burnt feeling and I totally lost control of my weight. My weight increased nearly 30kg and luckily, it is almost back to previous weight now. I have minor depression too during the pregnancy, feeling lonely and helpless. On 9 Dec, I gave birth to my first child ZhiXuan with weight 3.8kg by C-sec. I bring up my child by my own, hubby still travel as usual.
Until now, I am a fulltime SAHM (stay at home mom). At the meantime, I am also a loving wife to husband, a rigorous but kind mother to my toddler, an average chef, and a dutiful maid to both of them.
Postscript:
I had read someone post about quarrel with MIL. She asked husband who shall him safe first if they both fall into the sea together. A very common question one couple always asks. For me I will say go-ahead dear, safe your mom. Hey, I am not saint but I have sense. Who don’t want their husband love them more? However, let’s think this way if not because of his parents, he will never exist in this world. Therefore, I do not want hubby to make the same mistake and then live in deep remorse as me. Parents always must put in the first place, follow by other family member, and friends always come last. Now I am already a mother, I want my son to understand this theory too.
Btw, if I happen to fall into sea, please don’t worry about me cos I can swim. :)
Meaningful comments on my previous post…
Hubby quoted at “心底话”:
100%..... spend time with them while you can.
no point cry when they no longer there.
That is true, cherish every moment u have with your parents. I gone through the pain and I do not want anybody else repeat my mistake and feel repentant forever.
Brother says at “My story part-I”:
sis, so sorry that I didn't contribute anything during dad's worse time. But I wanted to come back to Malaysia immediately after graduated in USA cause I don't want to miss the chance to be with dad too. Many peoples still asking why don't I find a job in US first. If I've done so, maybe now I can afford to buy a house and car by cash already. No regret at all. And I will try my best to go back home more often, mom's at hometown...Please never say sorry, I am glad that I have chance to serve our father. Look back to those 10 years, this is the ever-right decision that I have made. You will find that only I own those precious six months of treasure memories with father among our brothers and sisters. By the way, I always think girl will be more capable to handle the nurse job then boy do. I know you have done your best too and we all love our father very much. Yes, please go back more often, mom will be very happy too. As for my part, I will call mom whenever I can.
肺腑之言：
你的心可以改变环境，但别让环境改变你的心。
珍惜眼前人，尤其是双亲。
